little girl in a big world

阿姨：今年大学最后一年了？

Carol: 嗯，最后一年了，要毕业了。

阿姨：等到毕业就好了，什么都有了！

Carol: ......

(Carol's thinking:毕业？就什么都没了！！that's the last thing I wanna have in the world! ）but this is the real life, if you don't wanna die, u gonna live with it!! grow up, Carol. you are not a child anymore!

You got trust yourself!! Some ppl rely on family ties (guanxi). They got luck!! But you got capability!!

Smile on face first, and you'll smile in your heart!

                                                 ------what I learnt from psychology  

Always smile!!

Thinkg positively!!

You can make it!!

Carol, 

If you want something,

Go and get it!!!

You can make it!! 

Remember Wang Guozhen's poem u used to like a lot when you were a junior high kid, though it may sound silly now

"我不去想是否能够成功 既然选择了远方 便只顾风雨兼程
我不去想能否赢得爱情 既然钟情于玫瑰 就勇敢地吐露真诚
我不去想身后会不会袭来寒风冷雨 既然目标是地平线 留给世界的只能是背影.."

 

Carol, you cannot choose how you gonna die, or when,

but you can decide how you gonna live, and now!

You got trust yourself. You have a dream, and go for it!!

yesterday,
all my troubles seemed so far away
now it looks as though they're here to stay
oh i believe in yesterday
suddenly,
i'm not half the man i used to be
there's a shadow hanging over me
oh yesterday came suddenly
why she had to go
i don't know
she wouldn't say
i said something wrong
now i long for yesterday
yesterday,
love was such an easy game to play
now i need a place to hide away
oh i believe in yesterday
mu......

最近又被midterm围得团团转。房间就像一个压力场。

roommate 从common room 回来，Carol, you should come to see, you have a note on the door

我抬起头，估计那表情同精神病院的patient没什么两样 "oh, thanks, later"接着，又一头扎进那群读也读不懂，看也看不完的reading里面, 觉得也许只是她的一个玩笑，懒得起身了。

20min later：Carol, I'm serious, you have a note.

Then, take that for me pls.

No, you have to see yourself.

她不向开玩笑，这次我真的起身了，结果，看这门口的note差点哭出来：

一个朋友知道我最近特忙，就在门上留了一个这样的note，也许那时我就在屋里，但她怕打扰我没敲门。

看这两包糖果组成的笑脸，心里甜甜的... 

在我不在乎世界时，这世上总有人在乎我...

真的喜欢这种被朋友care的感觉！Thanks Diana, I love you!!

 

刚刚在pp space上看到了林夕的一段话：

I used to say that we dont have to give a clear definition to everything, cuz for sometimes it's just in the middle, especially your feelings. We don't quite understand them ourselves. May be ambiguity can also be a beauty. But can it?? I begin to doubt now, when I experience the ambiguity. Right, it's just in the middle, like what we thought. Is it because we are afraid to push it forward? so, I just stand in the middle? It didn't matter for me for a long time. but it began to bother me so much recently. Maybe time and distant make me realize how important you are finally.

     Maybe the best action is inaction, I keep telling myself. I've never remembered a conversation so clearly, every word you said. Though they broke my heart, I pretended nothing happened. I'm such a liar. But you, who understands me soooo well can hardly tell?? Or you are a liar as well? So many things happened around me, and whenever I think about this situation, the ambiguity bother me soooo much, stopping me moving on. Indeed, the best action was inaction, cuz I'm afraid to change, afraid to face the result that I dont wanna see. But now, I don't think there's a best action at all. Whatever I do, something will change, and I'm not sure to which direction. Anyway, whatever it is, I'll face it!

    So, should I push it forward or pull it back? Whatever I do, are u still there? I'm afraid to lose, so just wanna give a try! Don't let me drink!!

 

疯了，疯了！！本来6天的时间就准备一门考试足够了，却不知都干了啥，到考试前两天才开始准备，一口气写出了快30多页的note, summarize 了半本书 （还是大黄letter， college rules 的纸阿）。写完了，虽然没记住啥，但看着这些思路清晰、结构完整，书写整洁的note总觉得它有极大的收藏价值。要是换到高中，考个状元，这20多页又可以出本书叫“状元Macroecon复习精华”了！

——————以上为胡扯，因为大脑受macroecon高压控制，想用中文胡扯一下减轻压力，可惜室友不懂！

疯了，疯了，这两天真疯了，每天2PM起床，6am睡觉（mama 说了，要保证8小时睡眠），结果，连个太阳都看不见，（终于有机会见证极夜现象了）心里还埋怨，这天咋这么短呢？ ————k**, 以上又是胡扯！！！ （看了上两段的人估计和我一样挺傻，不看下几段的人估计比我更傻， 哈哈！！）

 

这两天想着暑假找intern, 结果开始为一年之后发愁了，（宗宗，咋俩找房子吧，我真打算再HK工作了）。忽然想起了不知什么时候记住得quote,觉得自己就像是一支趴在窗户上得的苍蝇--前途一片光明（别人说我）却找不到出路（我觉得，事实也是啊！！）最近总是听说在香港的学赵学姐们找工作多难多难，听得真 T ** depresing!!(谁有什么好消息吗？)

现在觉得马哲还是蛮有道理的：矛盾无所不在。尤在我心！！有时觉得自己应该学个finance什么的，不用想别的工作，直接找投行！虽然现在投行什么人都要，但总觉得没基础比人矮一截，怕是training都跟不上。又觉得学fin对我这种痛恨数字的人是种摧残，估计我也学不成啥样。越想越觉得soci好！（顺便谢谢pp当年指点，如果您能看到）（ps, 倒！中文都没语法了！）学的不累，满好玩的，尤其对我这种拿吹水当家常的人。（啥工作可以靠吹水吃饭？电台主播？PR?) 中大这四年过那是相当舒服！可能就还舒服了吧，把我毕业后的境遇比得惨淡多了！看了中大去年的就业统计，average薪水1、4万，衡量衡量自己，估计我也就这个价吧。看绝对数字还不错，可香港这个寸土寸金的弹丸之地，毕业之后和租房子就得花去我5000以上。还得加上交通费，吃喝拉撒费。不向在CU吃的便宜，每次出去一顿最少也得30阿。这一个月算下来和我现在每月靠奖学金养活自己的前差不多了。可在学校多开心阿，出去还要早9晚9，给别人打工。

 

 

记得有一阵跟爸爸争论，说干什么只要自己喜欢就好，不用考虑那么多。我爸说我太年轻，太理想化，不实际，等到社会就明白了。不用到社会，我现在就开始实际了。不知道从啥时起开始经常考虑钱的问题了。倒不是幻想成个富翁，只是不想总是因为钱烦恼，至少想让自己过的舒服就行了。本以为毕业后会有所回报，可这么一想心里都发寒，其实生活水平就和我大学没两样，（怪不得教授挣得多，考知识赚钱就是不一样）还有为将来读书置业什么的作准备。更要命的事，忽然想到在过十年，我爸妈就要退休了，我就要开始背起独生子女的负担了，也许是finance学的走火入魔的，考虑到time value的问题，现在就开始打算每月得省多少钱给爸妈买retirment insurance了。

 

总之，越想越郁闷，越觉得自己像苍蝇！！于是随便问问美国室友fresh graduate一年能挣多少，Georgetown所有系平均起来差不多4、5万刀一年， ( business school average $75,000/yr, 所以才有是后悔自己没去学finance) 可接着她有开始抱怨说，其实大学毕业后的几年很惨阿，特别是要还loan！对于家庭不是十分富裕的美国学生，读georgetown 只能靠loan,这damn 贵的学校一年光学费就够我在中大读四年了！！三个月住宿和我中大住三年一样！！拿着计算器算来算去，发现美国学生也不比我好到哪去，甚至还不如我呢，至少我还不欠家里的，不欠银行的，无债一身轻！ fresh graduate 的惨淡生活也是个global现象！！这么一想，心里还舒服些。

 

 

直到我为啥不写space了吧，一些我就止不住了，recall what we learn in the last chapter that Carol is a 吹水当家常的人。（这就macronecon textbook中一遍遍重复的话 recall ~~~看来我还是记住了点东西的 ）。

 

复习闷得无聊，上网没事瞎聊。忽然发现同龄人每一个个都那么goal oriented,我忽然觉得，咦？我咋没goal呢？即使不是没有过，只是一次次的知难而退罢了。刚上大学拿会儿，觉得我一定要上研究生，上美国georgetown 这样的law school那JD, 补上没上北大法学院那一段经历。后来觉得不实际，干脆出国都个communication 得master算了，现在，再GU加换一年，having fun 的consequance是 大四一学期要读24分，一学期要读21分。甭提出国GRE了，保按时毕业我已经很开心了！！于是觉得，算了，留在香港工作吧，反正不愁没饭吃，就看是吃米饭还是肉夹馍，嚼虾仁还是咽鱼翅了。反正读书的机会总是有，有点经验蛮好的。于是，一时心血来潮，写了个Carol30岁之前goal.看了以后自己都害怕，就剩9年了，时间咋比流水还快，还没看见源头，就要进下水道了。anyway, Carol 30以前的goal:

1, 在香港有一份收入稳定且较为客观的工作 （自己喜欢就随好了，很少有人前几年的工作就是自己想要得）

2，完成个在US top tier school 的master,想来想去，估计不是MBA就是communication了。

3，30以前把自己嫁出去。（这个可笑吗？香港女性average初婚年龄29.9）但怕到时候皇上不积极太监了（这比喻太不恰当了将就着用八）

4，估计到时候在香港应该熬够7年了，换个HK permanent citizenship吧！以后出国不用签证，省时省钱也直了）

 

 

要是这么无聊的东西你也坚持看到这，那首先谢谢你这个忠实读者，其次想说估计你应该和我一样，也疯了吧！哈哈！越看这个越觉得不向自己，哎， 时间和现实就是把尖刀啊，把人塑型！！但愿我能在被塑造中用笑声直面着惨淡的人生吧。哈哈哈！！

 

考，憋死我了，窗外一片光明，我咋就找不到出口呢？

 

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同志们，Final 复习要趁早了，否则你们也会被折磨成这样！！（ps, 说让你偷懒Macroecon midterm后就再没去上过课，让你被折磨，活该！！）

 

 

好久好久好久没更新了，一是懒，二是有点喜新厌旧，有了facebook， msnspace就来得少了；三是生活台丰富多彩了，一直不知道从哪说起了~~与其浪费笔墨吹水，不如留一片空白去想象。

anyway, kinda lost these days at the crossroad these day.  Life in HK is one of the most enjoyable time so far, 但也许正是因为太enjoyable让我居安不思危了吧。When it comes to my career life in the future, I'm confused. I've done tons of projects in the school so far, and most of them were pretty well done. So, what?? I totally failed in my most important project assigned by my father, called "Carol's career planing". I didn't know what I was gona do when graduated from high school. I thought I would find the answer in college. it should be true, however, the point is, I didn't even try to look for the answer. I suddendly found I'm kinda goal-oriented person who adopts the goal of this society easily, and  works hard to achieve the goal. Just like in high school, the goal was so clear, you didn't even have to think about any alternatives, cuz there wasn't any. However, when you finally got the freedom to choose the goal and future yourself, you feel lost at the crossroad. You didn't even know WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF. Facing sooo many alternatives, i feel tired. I wish someone could make the decision for me, just like when I was young, but there wont be any, cuz no one will take the responsibility for you. Maybe that's why the instructor often emphasized "self reflexity" in "individual and society" class. everyone is the example. We are suffering. 

Well, maybe there IS someone who can decide where I should go, but should I trust Him or should I plan the way myself? I'm lost. I know His plan is the best, but do I really feel safe to give all of my heart to Him, and let someone else lead your life, someone who seems unpredictable. We all like to walk in confortable zones, plan everything ahead to know what exactly gonna happen and  minimize risk. That's how humanbeings' plan work. But how about God's plan?

 

I'm not fond of unpredicable circumstances, really. At the crossroad, should I plan myself a way, or should I wait for the voice from Him to tell me what He wanna me to do??

 

I dont know...

 

Carol is lost at the crossroad...

Tooooooo many words to say, but pics are more powerful!!